Is the grass greener now?

There have been a lot of changes going on where I work lately, and a month ago I could not wait until they happened because my life would be so much less stressful then. I was shamelessly thinking about how much greener the grass would get when I got to this point. I was partially right, the relationships with my co-workers are healthy, I have more control of my work space, and I am starting to be recognized for the things I go out of my way to do at work.

My body does not seem to be handling this transition well. With this good changes comes earlier work days, and I had every intention of making sure I wouldn't be working overtime for no reason. What I didn't take in to consideration is that guilt I get about "missing work". The people I work with are capable and know how to ask for help when they need it, but I just feel so bad about leaving before all of the work is done. It's frustrating, the logical part of my brain decides a time when my work shift is over, and then when that time rolls around I just dawdle and stick around. I used to get frustrated when co-workers would stay massively over the normal 40 hour week when there wasn't enough work for all of us to be doing something, but here I am feeling bad about not being present for those lulls in work.

I leave exhausted after these long days.
I spend less time at home with A. & the pup. And when I wake up before dawn to do it again I don't feel rested and my stomach churns.

I was so sure that the physical manifestations of my stress about work would have passed, but I am feeling physically worse now.

One morning, whether it was from a sinus infection I was fighting off or anxiety, I broke out into a sweat, hit with an intense nausea, and watched the train come and pass while I stood shaking at the station. I couldn't decide if getting on the air conditioned train would help the nausea pass, or if the movement would guarantee that I would get sick.

I walked back home, slow and shaky. I didn't get sick, but I showered and changed out of the scrubs I completely sweat through. I knew it was a busy day at work and the new hire had only been with us for a few days at that point and would have been a terrible day to leave them on their own. I got a ride to work because I was too scared to walk back to the train stop.

I'm sure things will get better, and I can see the way forward, but man, I was really expecting this to be easy.

Complicating the uncomplicated,

Sara

The Ugliness of the Introvert

I was going to pretend that I haven't neglected this blog for months so I didn't have to apologize the non-existent followers of this space but that feels a little revisionist considering that thought process that brought me back to post here.

I have been yearning for a place where I feel like I can talk freely online, and as I disengage from Facebook and I add more connections to Instagram I feel those extra eyes looking in on my content. Noticing me.
Observing vulnerability.
Judging me.

I can see my insecurities pour out and fill the air around me. The anxiety of posting things that are "instaworthy" is palpable and suffocating. I go to post something to feel validated by people liking my pictures, and scroll through the few pictures I take and decide that none of them are "worthy" of posting, and that "unworthiness" seeps into my real world-- like somehow my life and all of the beautiful things that I love are labeled with that awful word.

Right now I just want to cut myself off from these social media websites, with the stubborn thought that "I can't fail if I don't try", but I have so few meaningful interactions that I am afraid of losing a means of communication where I might have one more. Being the introvert doesn't mean that we don't still thrive on being included in the community.

So I am backtracking to a place where I am relatively anonymous and have created this space where I can talk about getting my life together. It's pretty clear I need space like this. I will continue to post with openness here and rebuild my confidence to post with openness elsewhere.