I was going to pretend that I haven't neglected this blog for months so I didn't have to apologize the non-existent followers of this space but that feels a little revisionist considering that thought process that brought me back to post here.
I have been yearning for a place where I feel like I can talk freely online, and as I disengage from Facebook and I add more connections to Instagram I feel those extra eyes looking in on my content. Noticing me.
Observing vulnerability.
Judging me.
I can see my insecurities pour out and fill the air around me. The anxiety of posting things that are "instaworthy" is palpable and suffocating. I go to post something to feel validated by people liking my pictures, and scroll through the few pictures I take and decide that none of them are "worthy" of posting, and that "unworthiness" seeps into my real world-- like somehow my life and all of the beautiful things that I love are labeled with that awful word.
Right now I just want to cut myself off from these social media websites, with the stubborn thought that "I can't fail if I don't try", but I have so few meaningful interactions that I am afraid of losing a means of communication where I might have one more. Being the introvert doesn't mean that we don't still thrive on being included in the community.
So I am backtracking to a place where I am relatively anonymous and have created this space where I can talk about getting my life together. It's pretty clear I need space like this. I will continue to post with openness here and rebuild my confidence to post with openness elsewhere.
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