I started a draft of a post about a year ago, where I had just started working through this. It feels important for me to talk about and to fill in the rest of the journey so I'll try writing the thing again.
It starts with my envy of A how he surrounded himself with his communities both irl and online. His co-workers regularly planned happy hours together and celebrated birthdays with one another. He regularly talks to his guilds and stays in touch with friends that he plays video games with. A year ago I didn't have that, but the beautiful thing about that man is that when I drag my feet he gives me a gentle push. "You'll feel better when you do," he tells me.
I was imploding at the time, I didn't have enough meaningful connections to other people to feel like I mattered. Like if I would have died there would be no one to come to my funeral. I still have that gnawing anxiety sometimes, but I'm trying to be a big kid about it-- the kind with social skills. The kind of big kid that can try and connect to people around her instead of minimize interactions just to make sure I never annoy anyone.
I took the initiative to make more plans with my friend in the area, normally we hang out as parts of couples, but when it was just the two of us we got to have more meaningful talks and do things we normally wouldn't get to. I took a real vacation by myself to spend a week with my best friends in their new home. Just to relax with these people and play in the dirt, discuss each other's passions, share music, organize spaces-- it was so healing.
Occasional reconnections with friends from school have helped me feel like I didn't just float through unnoticed or that now 5 years later they didn't give a shit about how I am or what my life is like now. It makes me feel like I occupy space and that's actually how it should be; it's a thing I have to remind myself.
You occupy space. You leave traces of existence in other peoples' lives. It's okay. Don't apologize for it.
I found a woman-centric Overwatch server during that low point, and it feels good to be surrounded by intelligent, fierce, caring women that understand my likes and will hear opinions with civility. I was reminded how comforting good internet community can be. It's easy to forget when the last few years I had been scrolling through Facebook and seeing YouTube comments and scrolling reddit.
And I'm working on it in new places lately. I've found a little piece of home playing video games with A and the guys he plays with. It's probably the most comfortable online space I have, where I don't have to be as careful and gentle like I want to be in that big, inclusive gaming server. They're both home, but I feel the most like me when I'm playing with the guys. I'm insanely grateful for it, but I don't want to crash the party all the time. A should also be able to relax in a space that doesn't include me, and even if they do want me there I feel like it shouldn't be all the time.
I'm feeling really grounded for the first time in a long time. I think since we've moved to this city I have been climbing up from the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy or aligning chakras or however that makes sense to you. The concept is the same -- you don't feel safe and secure until your basic needs are met. You don't feel love and belonging until you feel safe... etc.
I seems so clear to me now why I never felt inspired or worthy of relationships when I was so stressed about A & my living situation when we first moved, or then having a roommate that made me feel inept at everything, or a job where my co-workers caused me to shut down emotionally. No wonder I strayed so far away from creative hobbies, and I struggled to be a good partner. It was impossible to see how bad it actually was while I was in it, but recently it feels like a dam has been unblocked and the contrast between then and now is painfully apparent.
If this felt unfocused, it's because it feels like everything is bubbling up at once. And if Maslow knew what he was talking about the next thing to tackle is self-esteem. yikes. Maybe you'll hear from me in another year on that.
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