Rediscovering Safe Space

I started a draft of a post about a year ago, where I had just started working through this. It feels important for me to talk about and to fill in the rest of the journey so I'll try writing the thing again.

It starts with my envy of A how he surrounded himself with his communities both irl and online. His co-workers regularly planned happy hours together and celebrated birthdays with one another. He regularly talks to his guilds and stays in touch with friends that he plays video games with. A year ago I didn't have that, but the beautiful thing about that man is that when I drag my feet he gives me a gentle push. "You'll feel better when you do," he tells me.

I was imploding at the time, I didn't have enough meaningful connections to other people to feel like I mattered. Like if I would have died there would be no one to come to my funeral. I still have that gnawing anxiety sometimes, but I'm trying to be a big kid about it-- the kind with social skills. The kind of big kid that can try and connect to people around her instead of minimize interactions just to make sure I never annoy anyone.

I took the initiative to make more plans with my friend in the area, normally we hang out as parts of couples, but when it was just the two of us we got to have more meaningful talks and do things we normally wouldn't get to. I took a real vacation by myself to spend a week with my best friends in their new home. Just to relax with these people and play in the dirt, discuss each other's passions, share music, organize spaces-- it was so healing.

Occasional reconnections with friends from school have helped me feel like I didn't just float through unnoticed or that now 5 years later they didn't give a shit about how I am or what my life is like now. It makes me feel like I occupy space and that's actually how it should be; it's a thing I have to remind myself.

You occupy space. You leave traces of existence in other peoples' lives. It's okay. Don't apologize for it.

I found a woman-centric Overwatch server during that low point, and it feels good to be surrounded by intelligent, fierce, caring women that understand my likes and will hear opinions with civility. I was reminded how comforting good internet community can be. It's easy to forget when the last few years I had been scrolling through Facebook and seeing YouTube comments and scrolling reddit.

And I'm working on it in new places lately. I've found a little piece of home playing video games with A and the guys he plays with. It's probably the most comfortable online space I have, where I don't have to be as careful and gentle like I want to be in that big, inclusive gaming server. They're both home, but I feel the most like me when I'm playing with the guys. I'm insanely grateful for it, but I don't want to crash the party all the time. A should also be able to relax in a space that doesn't include me, and even if they do want me there I feel like it shouldn't be all the time.

I'm feeling really grounded for the first time in a long time. I think since we've moved to this city I have been climbing up from the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy or aligning chakras or however that makes sense to you. The concept is the same -- you don't feel safe and secure until your basic needs are met. You don't feel love and belonging until you feel safe... etc.

I seems so clear to me now why I never felt inspired or worthy of relationships when I was so stressed about A & my living situation when we first moved, or then having a roommate that made me feel inept at everything, or a job where my co-workers caused me to shut down emotionally. No wonder I strayed so far away from creative hobbies, and I struggled to be a good partner. It was impossible to see how bad it actually was while I was in it, but recently it feels like a dam has been unblocked and the contrast between then and now is painfully apparent.

If this felt unfocused, it's because it feels like everything is bubbling up at once. And if Maslow knew what he was talking about the next thing to tackle is self-esteem. yikes. Maybe you'll hear from me in another year on that.

Is the grass greener now?

There have been a lot of changes going on where I work lately, and a month ago I could not wait until they happened because my life would be so much less stressful then. I was shamelessly thinking about how much greener the grass would get when I got to this point. I was partially right, the relationships with my co-workers are healthy, I have more control of my work space, and I am starting to be recognized for the things I go out of my way to do at work.

My body does not seem to be handling this transition well. With this good changes comes earlier work days, and I had every intention of making sure I wouldn't be working overtime for no reason. What I didn't take in to consideration is that guilt I get about "missing work". The people I work with are capable and know how to ask for help when they need it, but I just feel so bad about leaving before all of the work is done. It's frustrating, the logical part of my brain decides a time when my work shift is over, and then when that time rolls around I just dawdle and stick around. I used to get frustrated when co-workers would stay massively over the normal 40 hour week when there wasn't enough work for all of us to be doing something, but here I am feeling bad about not being present for those lulls in work.

I leave exhausted after these long days.
I spend less time at home with A. & the pup. And when I wake up before dawn to do it again I don't feel rested and my stomach churns.

I was so sure that the physical manifestations of my stress about work would have passed, but I am feeling physically worse now.

One morning, whether it was from a sinus infection I was fighting off or anxiety, I broke out into a sweat, hit with an intense nausea, and watched the train come and pass while I stood shaking at the station. I couldn't decide if getting on the air conditioned train would help the nausea pass, or if the movement would guarantee that I would get sick.

I walked back home, slow and shaky. I didn't get sick, but I showered and changed out of the scrubs I completely sweat through. I knew it was a busy day at work and the new hire had only been with us for a few days at that point and would have been a terrible day to leave them on their own. I got a ride to work because I was too scared to walk back to the train stop.

I'm sure things will get better, and I can see the way forward, but man, I was really expecting this to be easy.

Complicating the uncomplicated,

Sara

The Ugliness of the Introvert

I was going to pretend that I haven't neglected this blog for months so I didn't have to apologize the non-existent followers of this space but that feels a little revisionist considering that thought process that brought me back to post here.

I have been yearning for a place where I feel like I can talk freely online, and as I disengage from Facebook and I add more connections to Instagram I feel those extra eyes looking in on my content. Noticing me.
Observing vulnerability.
Judging me.

I can see my insecurities pour out and fill the air around me. The anxiety of posting things that are "instaworthy" is palpable and suffocating. I go to post something to feel validated by people liking my pictures, and scroll through the few pictures I take and decide that none of them are "worthy" of posting, and that "unworthiness" seeps into my real world-- like somehow my life and all of the beautiful things that I love are labeled with that awful word.

Right now I just want to cut myself off from these social media websites, with the stubborn thought that "I can't fail if I don't try", but I have so few meaningful interactions that I am afraid of losing a means of communication where I might have one more. Being the introvert doesn't mean that we don't still thrive on being included in the community.

So I am backtracking to a place where I am relatively anonymous and have created this space where I can talk about getting my life together. It's pretty clear I need space like this. I will continue to post with openness here and rebuild my confidence to post with openness elsewhere.

Packing up the Bear Cave

Accepting != Complacent

We’re about to end our first chapter here in Houston in 16 days. A & I have been here for 10 months and we’re suddenly getting ready to move out of our first apartment and into the next one. And there are some people that can look back on their crappy first apartment together with a least a little bit of fondness… But we’re not those people.

The building management has done their best to help us out, but damn this little first floor apartment has been nothing but problems. Dark and drippy– aptly named the Bear Cave.

This isn’t to say that our first few month in this city have been a let down. Not at all. We are in an incredible neighborhood, staying grounded in our close friends and finding plenty of new ones, enjoying our shared life and learning to be good to one another.
We had a crash course in adulting and learned to make the best of what we had. We also put up with some terrible living conditions, at the expense of our mental and physical health.

I finally accepted that almost all of the anxiety meltdowns I have had since we got here have been rooted in some physical issue in our apartment. And it is so difficult to build a whole and happy life on a crumbling foundation. It's a massive challenge to focus on the higher elements life: love and spirituality and community, when you have to be worried about utility and safety.

It's been really hard for me to stay present in the 'now' when the 'next' seems like it's going to be so much better, but I'm trying to forgive myself for being distracted and work on what I can do now to be ready.

Accepting where you are in your life currently does not mean to be complacent. If where you are does not serve you and does not give you space to grow, know that where you are now can be a starting point. Any time. Any place.

Destination: Houston

I don't think I believe in fate. I don't think that my life has already been predetermined, and even if it was, I choose not to live as if it was. It cracks dreams and dampens motivation. I do, however, think that there are currents in this universe and that if you happen to jump into one you can float along for a little while and things just seem to fall into place. If I sum up my past few weeks of my life, that's pretty much how I would describe it. I took a little leap, and things just seemed to fall into place as I went along.

I had a chance to interview with a hospital far away, and when I didn't hear back from them I called and offered to fly down to meet in person. I had interviewed with a different department of the same network a month or so ago and didn't get the job, but I felt much more ready and relaxed this time around. I went into this all with the mindset that I will leave my heart and mind open to whatever comes my way and be ready to accept what I get.

I flew in to Houston while there was an incredible rainstorm, but I got there after the rain and made it in safe with no delays. I have fantastic friends and gracious hosts that made me feel at home while I stayed for my interview. And on the trip back I just made it onto my connecting flight to get back home in time. After the stress of traveling and a belly full of patty melt, I was ready to curl up with Adam to watch Bob's Burgers and pretend that my brain was able to focus on things other than the interview.


Luckily they called that night with a job offer

TL;DR - we're moving to Houston!

My heart is so full with the thought of all of the new things that Adam and I are going to tackle together

Picking up the Paintbrush

It has been a blast dusting of my painting supplies. Whenever I would consider pulling out my watercolors I always seem to talk myself out of it, it is so overwhelming and the paper is so expensive that I feel like every project I start has to end up a masterpiece.  So naturally, I haven't touched my watercolors for fear of ruining everything ever.

Birthday cards, on the other hand, take no planning at all, still end up being pretty and are something that other people will enjoy (instead of me slaving over a painting forever and then never letting it see the light of day.)  Plus, hand lettering used to be a thing I just oogled at on Pinterest, but now I have the chance to practice on these pretty gold patterned and big gate-fold blank cards.

So far I have only been painting my own, but I already have some commissions on the way from friends.

If you are interested in ordering some personalized cards to send out yourself, head over to the Bearhanded Etsy to find listings for orders of one, four, or eight hand-painted gate-fold cards!

Best,

Learning the Hard Way

Learning a computer programming language is not like riding a bike. As someone that was fluent in web design languages in my middle school years and survived AP computer science in high school, it seems like all of the coding knowledge I have ever known has poured out of my brain.  While my friend is working on his masters in computer science, I am learning Ruby the hard way at home, and I have to start with learning the basic commands in Powershell.

This learn-from-home system that I'm jumping in to (it is now day 3 of this book) made me realize:

a) I have become really lazy about how I type and I look down at my hands more than a millennial should

b) How important it is to schedule personal time and stick to it

c) I really needed a free hobby

When I get stuck in the social media catch-22, or when I'm tempted to buy craft supplies for a new project, I can open up these lessons and feel productive without spending money.  Also, making a conscious decision to do this one thing for a least an hour every day is one more thing that I can use to block out my daily schedule.  This year I have been putting more effort into my social life, but learning to arrange these "whatever day works for you" type of plans is tricky with a sparse work schedule, so I have been scheduling coding, yoga, and running time for myself to add some more structure to my day.

It is not easy to keep a date with yourself.

I think that acknowledging that is what's causing me to make such an effort. My personal time does not need to be spent lounging to make me feel rested and refreshed.  Learning a new thing and challenging my brain is empowering. Getting to the mat every day brings me peace and an open heart. The time I spend (read as: waste) playing Pocket Mortys just doesn't provide the same positive momentum in my life that productive personal time does. Acknowledging that hasn't helped me stop just yet.

This week, write your personal time into your schedule. Do more than just pencil it in, really set aside time each day to focus on something you enjoy and that makes you more whole.

Best,